Love Letters To Remember
by obsessivelyfanaticgw09
Summary: Nellie took matters into her own hands and now finds herself with someone who needs her How far will she go to keep this little girl?What kind of lies will she live?How long can she keep up the charade before her whole world crashes in around her?Part3/5
1. May29th1832

**Welcome to part three of love letters! **

**Again, if your new, check out my profile for parts one and two and meet up with us later!**

**Be thanken yah again!**

**XDazedandConfusedX - I'm glad your happy! And your weird way of numbering your comments amuses me XD**

**Lovely - Yay! I love tangled too, its such a great movie! Oh and thank you and glad you're excited!**

**Maxine the unknowingly admired - I agree, Mrs. Lovett definitely deserves some happiness!**

**Epic One - Haha! Thanks for liking bad mrs. Lovett!**

**Sweenylovett101 - Thanks for the quote love! SPOILERS! I'm glad you know what that's from now! XD**

**More thanks fer **

**I love Mark Cohen for alerting me and Epic One for favoriting me!**

**Maxine the unknowingly admired for favoriting the story and twigsandbones for alerting!**

**Also to Garideth for liking My Beautiful Broken Savior this past week!**

**I sure hope you guys like this part. 11 more chapters all stuffed into this installment!**

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><p><strong>May 29<strong>**th**** 1832**

Well, you're over a year now and…what can I say?

First of all, I just want to tell you about these notes.

I'm writing these little letters to you, and calling them Love Letters to Remember. I'll give them to you someday when you're older. Married, or perhaps having kids of your own. I can only pray that these letters will help you get through whatever is going on in your life. Remembering the past and learning from every little mistake will make the future all that much easier to get through. And, of course, it'll help you remember dear ol' Mum and how much she loves you.

So the past year has been long and tough, still figuring out everything that goes with having someone who needs me. From figuring out how to get you to sleep every night, to finding out how and what to feed you, to getting to know what kind of toys you like and what your favorite things are. You turned a year a couple weeks ago and I still feel that there's an infinite amount of things to learn about you!

Well…you love to sleep! I can say that much! I will try to get you up out of your cradle to eat or play and you'll wake up for a bit, only to fall back asleep in your highchair, you silly little thing!

You make me smile everyday I spend with you.

Perfect little baby you are. So quiet and good. And loving. I can already tell that you have such a big heart! I see it in your shining blue eyes. Or the smile you have on your face every time I sing to you. Such great love in your heart.

Oh…oh, of course. As soon as I pick up this journal and pen to write to you, you wake up and start to cry…which is strange. Cause you're not one for waking up in the middle of the day - or crying, for that matter!

Actually lately, I think you've been having some sorts of nightmares. Hm… I'm sorry. I hope you don't remember them when you wake up.

Here…I'll be back in two shakes - I should go check on you…

Alright, there there - now that I've got you calmed and bouncing on my knee… there we go. Back to your quiet self!

Oh, look at that wonderful curly auburn hair of yours, love. I run my fingers through it. Quite a head of hair for being only a year! How jealous I am! I've always wanted my hair that shiny red-brown color of yours.

Oh, I see your sea blue eyes are spying my pen!

Now stop silly.. Stop grabbing for the pen! Not your toy! Haha, alright - on the floor with you - here, your favorite doll will be much easier to have fun with. Go cuddle her instead of mussing up Mummy's writings.

Goodness you make me laugh!

Alright, sorry now. Where was I?

Let us go on. What kind of things should I jot down about you before this old mind forgets?

Well…you were born in London, England, on May 11th 1831 at 3:01 AM. It was a warm day, and I remember just being relieved that you weren't born when you were due in June. It'd be even more scorching hot then!

The moment after you were born and I got to hold you and see you for the first time - your father was right there besides us, with stars in his big brown eyes! And as breathless and awe-stuck as he was, (as we both were!) he managed to still his shaking hands and hold you. And that's the moment, just the three of us, that I cherish most. Your father just had this…look…as if he had suddenly gotten everything he's ever wanted.

Ella - all we ever wanted - all wrapped up in a little pink blanket, finally here to truly love, and begin her life with her Mother and Father.

There we sat for hours, it seemed….not moving…not thinking…not hardly breathing. The three of us together, your father and I just staring at you as though if we looked away, you'd somehow disappear!

He loved you very much, my love.

"My pet" he used to call you. And beg to hold you, but I couldn't let him because I just couldn't take my eyes off of you myself! Selfish maybe, but it's true.

Such a wonderful first few months the three of us had together. The first week, we had such a large amount of visitors just wanting to catch a glimpse of you, love! I kept saying, "I need time with my little Ella alone!" but the friends and relatives seemed to never cease! Didn't seem to stop us from growing closer though.

Your father said that in the months after you were born, I seemed to have a little extra spring in my step. He said that I seemed to sing more and smile more. I hardly noticed, but I suppose it's true!

And even when I settled into that sense that I couldn't do it - I simply couldn't take care of you and love you enough what you deserved. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't fit to be a mum - I remember what your father told me once. "Unconditional love, Nellie. Love no matter what. Always be the light in a dark world. Always be the place for refuge, no matter what she's done. That's all that we need to know to be her mum - unconditional love." I memorized his words. The way his lips moved. The way his brown hair shined in the light that bright day. He was…is…a wise one, your father is. Always knew what to say, what to do to make me smile again.

We spent so many days strolling through the market with you sleeping in your little carriage. I remember once that we were both looking down at you, so peaceful, so mesmerizing, that we nearly crashed into a cabbage stand! The stand owner wasn't very joyful, but the two of us had a good laugh for many days after that event.

I miss those times so. The fragrance and warmth of spring brings me back to our market strolling dates. I get a hint of your fathers face whenever we're outside on the beach nowadays. It's a good way to keep him alive in my mind, I suppose.

It hurts to know that you won't even recall him when you're grown. Well…you might a little. Perhaps you'll see his nose or smile when you look in the mirror. Or perhaps sometimes you shall hear his voice late at night and wonder whose whispering to you in your dreams. Just perhaps.

He loved you very much, love. It is a true and utter pity that he isn't here with us now - to love and comfort us…to hold your hand through your first steps…to watch and help you grow. Cause thanks to that bugger of a judge (which I doubt you could even call him - more like serpent), your wide-eyed father was sent away.

My husband - your father….it was truly horrible…but lets try not to think of him suffering and try to continue to remember the big, gorgeous, eyes and always smiling face of your father, the barber.

You won't remember the day he was taken. At least, I pray you don't. That day there was so much confusion, so much crying. The world turning either too quickly or too slowly made all of us dizzy. I hate to recall that day, even now, after so much time has gone by.

So…we, just us two, moved here. To this sweet little sea-side cottage. 681 Sunrise Street. Kind of a tacky name…ha. But true to it's word, the sunrises over the sea always take my breath away.

London seemed to simply bring back too much of your father to me…I don't want to forget him, simply forget what _happened _to him. I know he's not coming back. Sorry love, but I know he won't last long in that prison. Goodness, why am I even telling you such things? Like I said before, I don't want to remember him suffering in a scorching hot cell, apprehensive over being wrongly accused, I want to think of him holding you on that wonderful day that you were born.

He loved you, never doubt that for even a moment.

My my! I've gotten ahead of myself, eh? Sorry love, in fact, you probably already know, but your gentle, adoring, compassionate, charming father's name was Benjamin.

Benjamin Lovett.

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><p><strong>I was very very happy with the amount of reviews for the last part! Keep up the great reviewin loves!<strong>

**See you next week! =)**


	2. June11th1834

**Chapter two**

**Hello loves! **

**I'll be honest, I almost forgot to update today…I blame my new job and my new obsession, Doctor Who. **

**Any other Doctor Who fans will be able to tell where I snuck a bit of it into this chapter. =)**

**Here's my thanks, though I suppose you should know that if you've read this many chapters!**

**I love Mark Cohen - I agree 100%!**

**XDazedandConfusedX - Crazy? Yeah…lol. I kinda wrote that chapter in a state of mind that she had the chance to make her perfect world, so she did. **

**Bellatrix Nellie Le-Lovett - Why thank you! Hope you like the rest!**

**Epic One - Your welcome dear reader, your reviews always make me laugh**

**Sheila Chiaroscura - Thanks! I like to keep the letters not so much just a story that I'm writing, but try to make it seem like Mrs. Lovett is actually writing it as we read it…hence Ella messing with her pen XD**

**Taylor Todd Riddle Sparrow - Thanks for reviewing! Glad to hear that your loving all the parts!**

**Lovely- Mwhahaha…disturbing. Yesss **

**Sweenylovett101 - Of course I talked a lot about Benjamin, Mrs. Lovett LOVES Benjamin. XD**

**Thanks twigsandbones and Sunset-Fireflies for story alerting.**

**And Sheila Chiaroscura For favoriting me! Also Thank you for giving an amazing review and favorite of My Beautiful Broken savior**

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><p><strong>June 11<strong>**th**** 1834**

Happy one month late birthday deary! A month ago we celebrated your third year here. I wish I could have sat down and written earlier, since it's been well over two years since I did last, you've just kept me so busy! I see those families with three or four children and I don't know how they do it! My hands are full with one!

And then there's the shop that needs to be taken care of. I've finally got my dress shop all up and functioning! It's a dream come true, it is. In the midst of caring for you on my own, I've managed to rent out, furnish, and set up an appealing little "Mrs. Lovett's Dress shop" (you see, I've never been one for naming things cleverly…). Ladies from all over town have been stopping by in the last year to ask for a dress, and it isn't long till they're trying it on and I'm sowing the last sequins on. Over the past year in business, I've noticed something though…a lot of the women are actually getting married or know someone who is getting married soon, hence the fancy dresses, I suppose. But anyway, they've been asking if I knew if there was a flower shop in town. Having lived here for about three years now, I was certain that I couldn't recall anyplace in town. So I'm checking around, and, if everything goes well, I'll be selling little bouquets of my favorite flowers soon also!

Always fancied flowers I have. So bright and cheery! The shop could really use some color, I suspect, to brighten up every day. You love flowers also, you do! I can't help but burst into laughter every time you simply walk up to a nice bundle of wild flowers and stick your head in them to smell them. Ridiculous you look! But it's ever so darling, so I couldn't ever stop you.

You take a liking to wild flowers, I suppose. Mummy's favorite are gillyflowers. Such brightness they carry. And daisies are almost as wonderful. So purely white with that little yellow in the middle that helps them pop! The young brides will be liking those.

So, at the moment, you're out on the beach playing in the sand, something that I never thought you'd enjoy doing, but you sure do! You used to never like being near the water, but now I think you'll grow to be part-fish! I watch you from the shade under a tree as you quietly play with your imaginary friends in the setting sun. Don't know if you'll remember them when you're much older…let's see…what are their names? Twins, you tell me. Melissa and Fly…or something of that nature. Although your vocabulary has grown, it's still hard to understand little bits of it!

The sun is going down, slowly sinking below the water. I wonder if, in your simple little mind, you notice the utter beauty of it.

I'm letting your hair grow out, and it blows in the wind, the sun shines orange and yellow beams that reflect off of it all. You are so lucky to be so beautiful! Someday some boy is gonna be lucky to have you darling!

But for right now, you're mine!

Soon you'll get cold splashing around in the sea water and beg to go inside. Maybe we'll paint with the nice color's Rory bought for us. Course, all you do is smear it all over your hands and then all over the room!

Hm…perhaps I'll make you another sea-shell necklace, and perhaps this time you won't snap it in a matter of minutes!

Oh, lookie! I see Rory walking down the beach now. I'm sure you'll remember him.

Rory Doyle. Tall, with very dark brown hair, and a skinny little face. And his brown, always sparkling eyes that almost seem to match his dark, tan skin-tone. You'll not soon forget his face, that's for sure.

He's Irish and we met when he came into my shop a while ago. He caught my eye straight away! He's a investigator of sorts. Just a little hobby he has, I suppose. Goes snooping around for information on crimes then relays them to the constable of our little town! Interesting, if nothing else, eh?

We've had kind of a courtly love for a couple weeks now. Nothing like I ever had for your father, but I fancy the way Rory looks at me.

He walks toward us now, that shine in his eyes that he's happy to see us.

The salty water splashes his face and gives him this sparkle that makes him look supernatural…haha! Look at me, going on and on about him…oh dear…he makes me feel young again.

But you continue to just let your eyes gaze in the other direction and splash in the water. You never pay much notice to him. I don't know if it's simply cause you're as absentminded as your mum or because you don't care for him. I sure hope it's not the latter. Rory might be with us for a while.

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><p>Alright, I had to set down my writings because Rory was accusing of being inattentive. I roll my eyes at him. I never get to write to you as much as I'd like to so when I want to bloody do it I will! Oh well…I could never stay mad at him.<p>

Alright, now the small house is quiet and Rory's let me pick up the journal only after I explained what I was doing for you.

We're sitting out on the warm sand under the giant moon. The stars twinkle above and to fill my lungs with the moist, sea air gives me a peace that I know I would never of gotten in bloody ol' London.

Rory sits next to me, also just listening to the chirping bugs and watching the stars reflect off of the water.

It's truly romantic, but it's getting late and Rory will have to leave soon so that you don't wake up and wonder where Mummy's gone to.

And I truly wish he would stop reading over my shoulder!

Haha… oh dear.

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><p>Alright, enough of that. Rory's gone home now, to his little cottage down the beach.<p>

You're quietly dozing on the sofa where you sleep, and probably will sleep until we move out of here. I would purchase you a bed (I bet you Rory could even make you one! Handy, he is), but I'm afraid there's not much room to put it! And now I sit on the bed in my room, candlelight and the fire in the fireplace being the only lighting illuminating the room. I don't want to do anything but sit here in the silence. It's almost surreal how perfect it seems.

If it's silent enough, I can hear you breath, and it brings a tranquility to me that's…that's…hard to explain.

I step outside the door to my bedroom and look at you so…beautiful. You're hair splayed over your face, the moon shining through the big window and playing with the tan skin on your chubby little cheeks. I only wish you would never grow up - that you could stay this small and peaceful for the rest of your life. And no one would ever hurt you or leave you or lie to you. I only wish I could make a perfect world for you.

I can try, but I'm only human.

I struggle to breathe quietly, I wouldn't want to be waking you up. Especially with the nightmares you were waking up to every night all last month. Still catching up on your sleep, you are. And you, as well as I, am still getting used to not sleeping in my bed every night. Sometimes I miss your warmth and I miss being able to hold your small little body as I drift off to sleep. But it's better for you to be out here on your own, I suppose. Sometimes I don't see how, but it is.

I often worry about these nightmares that you have every once in a while. Then again, it could be completely normal for your age and me not even know it. I suppose I should just be glad that, so far, you don't really remember any of them. I can only hope that continues.

What else can I say, love? Watching you grow is one of the most thrilling experiences I think I've ever lived through, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm excited to see what's to happen in the years to come, but for now, I'll put this journal back in the wooden box beneath my bed.

Until next time, Ella! Mummy loves you!

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><p><strong>Yeah! Rory's from Doctor Who too...haha...Rory Doyle...say that ten times fast...seriously...it's hard...lol<strong>

**Keep up the great reviewin and I'll keep up the great updatin!**

**LOL (Lot's of love!)**


	3. Oct18th1836

**Hello readers!**

**SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry for updating late, it's not cause of the lack of reviews, I'm not like that (usualy)…(but I can be if it'll get me more XD), I was just super busy yesterday, so I made sure I would catch up today!**

**Thanks to Verakun for favoriting part one!**

**And Maxine the unknowingly admired for favoriting part three!**

**More to**

**Bellatrix Nellie Le-Lovett - Why thank you!**

**XDazedandConfusedX - Thanks! I like seeing her happy too XD**

**Maxine the unknowingly admired - Happy you think it's sweet =)**

**Burma - Well thank you for reviewing again! And no, smiling and being sad isn't weird, I take it as a compliment!**

**Here you go you guys! Hope you love!**

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><p><strong>October 18th 1836<strong>

Oh my! I scold myself for not writing earlier! Two years since I last wrote? That isn't nice, or consistent, or organized. Not that I've ever been any of those things…

Well…love…so much has happened in the past years, that who knows how long this note will be?

Then again, these are love letters to you and I shouldn't really go on and on about my problems, huh? How come I only remember this dusty little notebook under my bed when I have problems or something exciting to say, eh? I simply don't know…

Alright! Enough about me!

So you're five and a half years now, happily running all over the beach, playing with other children your age and singing the songs in your head (much like your mum, you is!) You are small for your age, but it seems to give you some sort of advantage that the other little ones don't have, somehow. Your hair is as long and beautiful as always, and you have the wonderful talent to make anyone around you laugh just by being yourself everyday.

For hours on end, you'll stand on my bed and sing songs right off the top of your head! And I'll smile big and applaud from where I sit on the floor watching you. I think these are some of the best moments I share with you…That and also when I bake (because I very well just can't give up making the occasional pie all together, now can I?) you love to roll the dough into many a shapes and patterns. Sometimes even other foods like apples and sandwiches. Creative you are! Perhaps some day you'll be a baker like your dear mum.

Oh, here you come wobbling down the hall, awake from your nap now, softly rubbing your eye and yawning…sweet little thing…come here, I'll set the notebook down.

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><p>Oh deary…you care for me so much. Now you are outside, probably on the pier, fishing with Rory. But before I sent you out there, and right after you had come out of my bedroom and seen the tears sparkling down my cheeks…the first thing you did was mumble, "Whys are you crying, Mummy?"<p>

I couldn't help but smile at your innocent little concern. I had tried to wipe the tears away so that you wouldn't notice them, but now I know that sometimes you seeing them is better. Cause then I can have someone to hug and comfort me.

"Nothing, love," I mumbled back, trying to display a smile.

Nothing gets past you though! All you did was come and climb into my lap whilst saying, "Please will yah tells me?"

I gathered your tiny frame up in my arms and hugged you as I mumbled back, "Nothing to your concern…just a little trouble with Rory…I think we might have to both say goodbye to him for now…"

"Do you love him, Mum?" your tiny little voice asked.

And I wasn't really sure how to answer that… "I do…I…"

"Mummy…who's this?" you stopped my mumbling and pulled a little folded up piece of paper from the small front pocket in your dress.

Setting you on my knee and taking the paper from your hands, I slowly unfolded it.

A picture.

I was fast to recognize the handsome face in the photograph. The dark brown eyes and flowing brown hair. Suddenly, I got a flash of his features towering over me on a sunny…beautiful spring day…

"That is Benjamin…" I muttered, "That's your father,"

You must have found the little thing in my room somewhere, smashed into a drawer or stuffed under something. I had actually wondered where this picture had gone to for a long while now…

We sat there for a few long minutes with nothing but the sound of the birds outside surrounding us, just staring at the picture.

Hm…how I miss him so…

"Did you love him, Mum?"

A let a beat float by.

"Yes…very much deary…"

"As much as you love Rory?"

I remember just biting my lip as tears rose in my eyes.

"Mummy…do you not wants Rory in our lives?" you asked slowly…thoughtfully…full of wonder.

I didn't say anything…I just gave you a sad smile, patted you on the back, and set you on the floor.

Cause I was determined to not suck you into all of my problems!

I whispered, "Thanks for finding this, Ella. Rory's outside fishing, how about you goes and join him, eh?"

Although you flashed a very worried face at me, one that was covered with so much love that it only brought more tears rising up, you muttered, "Yes, Mummy…" and filed out the back door.

After I heard the bang of it closing, and Rory's voice welcoming you…I picked back up this notebook…

Ha…

See how I've completely failed to leave my problems out of here?

Well, since you must be much older when you're reading this, I suppose I can tell you why Rory was making tears fall down my cheeks…and why they fall even harder now.

We talked today. The conversation plays over and over in my head. It's a breaking point, it is.

He sat down besides me with that oh-so fooling smile. It gives off the impression that he'll love me forever, that he wants nothing but to make me happy. I've been falling for it over and over again for over three years. I can't believe it's fooled me so long…

"Nellie…" he said, using my nickname. I smiled back at him as I placed my hand on his, intertwining our fingers together and loving the pleasant tingle it brought me. "There's been something I've been meaning to talk to you about…in all seriousness…"

Cocking my head I mumble back softly (well…you were still napping at that point) "Wot is it, love?"

He toke a deep breath and started, taking his hands out of mine and turning away from me at the back window to gaze out on the beach. "Please let me get it all out. Don't say a word until it's done…"

I smiled and nodded…Rory has always been one for great and long stories, unless you interrupt him. That'll set him off straight away! I realize only now, that I really didn't want to know _this _story that was buzzing around in his head.

"Nellie…you know I've been working on this case…for a while now…"

"Which one?" I asked, confused. As an investigator, he works on many cases. And they all seem to last quite a while!

"The one about the kidnapped baby girl…"

My heart sank…I hated hearing about this one…how horrible and tragic it is…

"That's a case over five years old! How…"

He stopped me…signaling my time to hush up and his time to tell what was going on in his mind. "I know it is…but I think I've finally gotten a lead…" you think his voice would have been excited. Such a cold case having finally got a lead on it all! But it was almost filled with…fright and…was just…unsettling. The tone worried me…

"Now don't take any of this the wrong way…"

I couldn't help but begin to wonder at this point what the _hell _this was all about…

He must have noticed the confused look on my face. "Listen now…the little girl who went missing. She was only four months old but, listen…she is presumed to have a brown-red hair color, bright blue eyes…"

My heart was beginning to leap in my chest…where was he going with this?

"She'd be about five and half now…and…" he must have noticed how he had lost my gaze to the floor. "And Nellie…she was taken from the beach… from the beach right here…right in back of your home,"

I was tiered of keeping quiet. "Are you proposing that _I'm _the one who took the child? You think I _stole_ Ella when she was a baby? ! ?"

"Kidnapping is the current term, love," he said too calmly for my likings.

I stood up as I felt the heat rise to my face. My heart raced, my muscle tensed and I felt my teeth clenching.

My voice rose with my temper, yelling and scoffing. "Ella is mine! Ella was born in London and she is _my _baby girl. How could you ever even _dare_ to say something like that! How could you possibly even _think _that?"

"Eleanor…calm down.." he tried to coax me back to relaxing.

But I refused. How could he ever dare suspect something like that of me? I would never! Never!

My face was clenching tighter and tighter. My eyebrows pulled together so close it ached my head, my eyes open wide with wonder and bewilderment. I shook my head violently.

"Rory Doyle! Out of my house! Out now!" I screamed, throwing my pointing finger toward the door. Commanding him. Demanding him and giving him no other option.

"Eleanor…"

"No! I'm through with this! Ella is _my _baby! She belongs to no one else and never did!"

He got up and started to waltz out of the parlor, through the kitchen, out the back door. Before he opened the door to continue to step outside, he turned around.

He stated slowly, eyes locking with mine, "Eleanor…I always told you the first time I saw you was in your shop. But I've been thinking and… _I_ remember it very clearly. August, five years ago. I saw you through a shop window step off that carriage you arrived in. Not a penny to your name and looking hopeless and lost…no kid at your side…no bundle in your arms…and you say she was born in London…that was the first time I saw you…not at your shop…"

And with that and a small smirk, he left.

Who knows what I would have done if he didn't leave out the back door that moment…the heat burning through my body was boiling and it could have given me the energy to say and do things that I wouldn't normally mean.

I mean truly, how could he look at me in the eyes and _lie_ like he had just done?

I'm sorry if you heard that whole squabbling. If you didn't, I'm shocked we didn't wake you up!

I promise you Ella Elizabeth…you are mine…I love you and you have _always _been mine. Don't ever believe those lies that anyone tells you…

You are _mine_.

Ella…you can trust

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><p>Oh dear oh drear…<p>

Ella…

I know you were just trying to do what was best for me but…

Oh dear…

I have to explain why I didn't finish the last sentence. Why I had to set down the pen and run out of the house franticly…my heart pounding in my chest as if I already knew what had happened.

I raced outside…but what I was suspecting wasn't true. For there you were, sitting on the dock, looking at the sun as it began on it's path down the horizon, swinging your legs over the edge. I looked around the beach quickly…looking for the source of the sound I heard. I don't know how long I just stood there, my eyes darting around before I saw you waving to me.

"Mummy! Mummy!" I heard you call from out on the pier. I smiled back as I lifted my skirt and softly walked over the sand and down the long, wooden dock. At the end you grabbed my hand and pulled me down to dangle my bear feet over the edge into the cooling and calming water too.

Knowing that the splash I heard wasn't from you tumbling into the water calmed me and I was able to breath in the salty air with a sense of serenity.

After a while sitting there in the quiet rushing water, I asked, "Rory leave?"

You answered simply… "Nope,"

I turned my head to look at you, innocently just hanging your legs off the edge, swinging them and humming a cute little tune.

I narrowed my eyebrows, "Wot're yah mean, love?"

You didn't answer. I took your shoulder in my hand and turned you toward me so that you'd look at me.

"Ella? Where'd he go?"

You smiled at me…a simple guiltless little smile. And you pulled up your arm slowly and pointed down into the water.

My eyes grew large as my heart dropped and panic rose…

"Ella…" I began to whisper… "Did he just _fall _in?"

…all you did was shake your head…

Don't ever tell anyone I told you this…don't ever tell anyone what you did to Rory that day…what you truly believed was the best for both of us.

I promise never to tell a soul…I could never…

Soon, others will come looking for him. When he doesn't show up for work tomorrow, or for his lunch appointment.

People will notice…but no one will ever know.

Good riddance. I feel guilt everyday for loving Rory like I did…for turning my back on your father like I did everyday I spent with Rory. I'll do my best to forget this event…best to just forget all together, I suppose. Who knows? Perhaps this little last blurb here in the notebook will simply and most easily be tossed into the fire…seems the best thing to do…

Rory Doyle? Last saw him leaving my house…walking down the street late at night…leaving me.

Not looking back.

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><p><strong>Thanks guys! Review and I'll see yah next week!<strong>


	4. July2nd1837

**Oh dear late again!**

**I'm seriously sorry my readers!**

**School's starting again soon so things are getting busier. I'll let you know if I have to perhaps change my updating day!**

**Here are my late thank you's!**

**Burma - Haha! Dark…mwhahahaha. Thanks! Enjoy the update!**

**Epic One - (Thanks) XD**

**Sheila Chiaroscura - Both of your reviews made me smile. Thanks for quoting and favoriting!**

**Maxine the unknowingly admired - Haha! Glad you're satisfied! I'd say I am too!**

**Sweenylovett101 - Thanks for the chapter 2 review! Hope you catch up soon!**

**Here you guys go!**

**Hope you Lovett!**

**July 2nd 1837**

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><p>Look at me! It hasn't even been a year since I wrote last! Look at me writing again! Aren't you proud of me love?<p>

Alright…let's get on with it…the usual. What's happened in the last year? What won't you remember, what will you remember? Who's new? Who left? How old are you?

Well…you're six now (and growing up much too fast for my likings!) and you haven't changed much since I last wrote. (see, by making my entries closer together, it gets easier!) You're still always singing, always dancing, and twirling around on the hot beach sand. Since Rory's been gone we've been playing just the two of us together a lot more. Which you seem to fancy a lot! I sure do too…every single moment I get to spend with you is like a little gift from heaven.

Well lately, you've had a new friend to mess around with, actually!

I'll start at the beginning, when she stepped into the shop a few weeks ago.

I was working on a dress in the shop, in case another customer decided to pop in, and you were lying on your stomach behind the counter, drawing a picture while you hummed a happy tune and kicked your legs in the air. Happy in your own little world. Makes me wish I was still your age!

Well, I heard the shop bell ring and I looked up to see a girl. Skinny little thing with nice round cheeks and eyes that seemed a little too big for her head. She was wearing a bright red dress and had a bow in her ginger hair to match it. Her nervous eyes darted around the shop, looking from the tables to the floor to me…

"Yes?" I asked after a few moments had passed without any words from her way.

The breeze blew her bright and shining orange hair into her eyes and she used her slim fingers to push it out of the way before answering, "Uh yes…are you Mrs. Lovett?"

"None other!" I replied with a smile.

A small wave of relief washed over the young teen, as if she was just glad that she had stepped into the right shop!

"Um…my name is Amelia Tarn. And…uh…" she entangled her fingers in each other and pulled away at them nervously. I could tell that she was trying not to let her gaze fall from where it had locked with mine. "I was wondering if you were…well…hiring here. Cause my family's in need of a lil extra money you see…"

"How old are you love?"

"I'm thirteen, almost fourteen, ma'am,"

"Well…" I trailed off…I truly did want to give this girl in need a job…but I just didn't think there was anything around the shop that I couldn't handle myself…

"Who's there, Mummy?" came your tiny voice as you struggled to peak your head over the counter.

Glancing down at you for a second and then back up at Amelia, I noticed something change in her eyes…they sparkled as they settled upon you, probably not unlike my eyes were when you were born. It's a happy twinkle, but tears add much of the effect. Happy tears? Sad tears? I was a bit in wonder as I watched you step out from behind the counter and the girl we had just met slowly walk toward you.

"Aw…" she said, sounding almost breathless? "How old is she?"

"Few months over 6!" I answered. You held up both your hands and studied them intensely, your fingers wiggled and your eyes counted until you had five up on your right hand and one up on your left. You displayed a huge smile in triumph.

I couldn't help but grin back at you as I added, "Ella, this is…Amelia? Yes?"

The orange haired girl nodded as she bent down to your height and smiled at you.

"Say 'ello, eh?"

"'ello, Amila…" you muttered. Never been too shy you have, but never been _this _kind to complete strangers…

"Oh…you're six, huh?" Amelia mumbled, almost too soft for me too hear "Goodness…she would be six now too…you would have liked to play with her, love. Goodness I miss her…"

Suddenly gathering herself, she stood up and returned her gaze to me, all glimmer-free. "Oh dear…look at myself going on about this. How does that even make any sense? I hardly even knew my little sister…only four months she was when she was taken away…"

Suddenly, something became clear to me, "Oh my goodness! I know where I recognize you from! You were part of that little ginger family that used to play out on the beach right out here, eh?"

She smiled softly, almost embarrassed. Or perhaps just…longing? "Oh yes…it's been years since we played out there. But yeah, I remember. Everyday, on the pier, making little castles and splashing around in the water…" her eyes drifted back down to you and her words followed with it, "The day we lost her was the last day we ever played out there…you know Father blamed me for what happened that day…" I stopped her and pulled her eyes back up before I lost her to her memories anymore!

"Oh deary! You were part of the family who's little girl was taken all those years ago…such a tragic thing!"

"Yeah! It really tis…my mum hired a couple different investigators…they all gave up years ago. And the one who didn't actually disappeared recently but…" she smiled a bitter smile and looked back down at you. I could almost hear the envious thoughts bouncing around in her skull.

You silently watched us as we talked back and forth. Soaking it all in, observing and learning.

"Oh dear…look at me go on about my pitiful problems…I'm sorry to have wasted your time ma'am…please if you ever need help…"

"Amelia?" I stopped her, whipping myself around the counter and to where she stood just about leaving the shop.

"Yes?" she asked, hope rising in her bones.

"Listen…I actually, am starting a partnership with a shop down the lane…so maybe?" her eyes grew big as she couldn't help but let a smile grow on her lips. "You could just watch the shop whilst I'm out running meetings with them?"

"Oh really? !" she jumped up, the adrenalin making her edgy.

"Oh, and also…running the shop here all alone, sometimes, I don't think little Ella here gets the attention she deserves, right deary?" I asked smiling down at you.

"Wot?" was all you asked, confused as ever.

"My little princess deserves more, eh?"

"Yesssss!" you answered with enthusiasm, just hoping that'd be the correct reply to make Mummy happy. I laughed down at you and Amelia smiled too.

"I'll give you a nice shiny penny if you'll watch the little one while I'm working out here. Wot're say?"

"Yes! I'll be happy to!" Amelia relied, and the eagerness in her voice made me know that she was just right for the job. You just seemed to love her so much too!

"Well you can start now!"

"Oh really?"

"Oh yes!" I went back behind the counter and pointed through the door connected to the house. "Go ahead in there, there's some nursery rhymes that Ella just _adores. _It's almost nap time. Read those to her and she'll be asleep straight away, I guarantee it!"

"Well thank you Mrs. Lovett!"

I smiled at her excited red face as I walked back over to you and bent down, placing my hands on my knees.

"Ella, love? Amelia here is gonna take you back for naptime today, eh? While Mummy works. And I'll be right there besides you when you wake up, sound good?"

"Smashing!" you answered in your lisped little voice and it made both of giggle.

It wasn't long until you two were situated on the sofa in the parlor, giggling and reading together. You loved her right away deary. It was always meant to be like that - you and Amelia, your sitter. Sweet little thing she is. So grateful and mature for her age.

Now here's the bit that I bet you won't remember…

After the morning rush was over and everyone in town had settled down for lunch, I decided to go and check on you guys. I stopped right outside the outside door, and I could just hear Amelia's sad voice.

"And they all lived happily ever after…" I heard the heavy covered book being closed and the soft snoring that you do whenever you nap.

"Aw…love…" I heard Amelia sigh loud. "Goodness Ella…you're eyes look exactly like her's…strange thing to remember about my little sister, huh? Her eyes… but it's true…the same blue… I never really knew her yah know…she was only four months when she was kidnapped…but I loved her so much. I was always so excited for her to grow up. I even remember when my mum told us all she was pregnant…and I was just so thrilled to have a little sister! Cause well…there's always the twins…but Melinda is always playing with Flynn…and I never really had someone to play just with me…I thought this new baby would be perfect!

Hm…silly me…

You know…my father blames me for what happened that day…he says if I hadn't been playing on those rocks like I wasn't suppose to, I would have never fallen and Mummy wouldn't have taken her eyes off of her carriage…he blamed me to the point where he beat me, yah know…"

I heard the young girl's voice crack with tears, but I couldn't interrupt, I just kept listening.

"He's gone now…long gone. After the baby was taken, Mummy threw him out. Cause he kept blaming all of us and threatening to beat all of us…I'm glad he's gone. And now everyday…"

Tears clouded her speech so much now, that I could hardly make out what she was saying. I pressed my ear to the door harder, trying to hear…

"Everyday my mum drinks herself into an oblivion…so she doesn't have to think about what she did that day…taking her eyes off of her beautiful baby girl for two seconds. She's said too many times for comfort, straight to mine and twins' face, 'you're not good enough. You'll never be what that little girl could have become…' Hm…I guess I've grown used to it…that's why I'm so glad that your mum was nice enough to so easily give me this job! Mum's not working, and Father's gone, and Grandma just died last month…we're running low on the funds for food and clothing…it's all terrible really…heart breaking and childhood shattering…"

A pause and I could hear you shift in Amelia's lap.

"Oh dear…Ella…we never spent another day on that beach. We used to go every single day…after my little sister was taken, we never went to play again. And it broke my heart everyday. I used to even go and get all dressed in my bathing dresses, just wanting Mum to take us all…but she never would. And she would yell at me…and father would hit me anytime I ever brought it up. I don't anymore, of course. But I can see out onto this beach from where I sit now and…all I want to do is just go splash in the water with my little sister…that's all I ever want to do. For the past six years, it's been my only wish…"

I found tears rising in my eyes too now…why? Why am I crying? I just couldn't figure why…and it wasn't a pity cry…it was a true, hurting, deeply wounded cry. I still wonder to this day what that was all about.

"Mummy and the twins think she's dead…they think that whoever took her that day killed her soon after…I don't know if I believe that…I feel it…somewhere deep in the inner workings of my heart…she's out there somewhere…I'll never loose hope…"

I took in a deep breath and struggled to wipe away my mystery tears. Before barging in though, I listened to Amelia's talkings a little longer.

"Ella, you are _so _utterly lucky to have such a loving mum, you are. I don't exactly know anything about your past. I can't even begin to guess what happened to your father, or what troubles you remember or don't remember…all I can say right now…is that I think we fit together well. I think that we'll be good friends, eh? Yes, we will."

Another pause and a sniff.

"Here…get your hair out of your face here. My…your hair reminds me of my fathers…ha…oh, and your eyes…In fact, if _my _baby sister had grown up, I bet she'd look a whole lot like y…"

"Everything alright in here?" I asked as I finally cracked open the door.

Amelia jumped and gasped as she struggled to keep calm as you slept so lightly on her lap.

"Oh yes…" she whispered, "went to sleep straight away…just like you said!"

"Aw…good!" I whispered back and then helped the girl get up without disturbing you.

"I guess I'll be leaving now…" she mumbled as she tried to hide the dry tears on her cheeks.

"Yes. But please please! Come back tomorrow. Same time, same routine?"

"Brilliant!" she responded, stepping into the shop now.

"And I'll have your pretty penny all ready fer yah tomorrow, sound good?"

She smiled largely, as if I had just given her the biggest gift she could have ever asked for, "Oh yes! Thank you!"

Before stepping out of the shop into the hot June air, she reached out her hand and I shook it, "Thank you so much Mrs. Lovett! I think this will be smashing for the both of us!"

"I second that! And Amelia, please, call me Nellie!"

"Oh, alright…Nellie! See you tomorrow then!" she turned around and began to leave, but before she slipped out the door I grabbed her shoulder and spun her around to face me again.

"Amelia…if you'd like to come a little early…Ella loves to splash around in the water outside before naptime…I'll even pay yah a little extra if you keep her entertained!"

The shine in her eyes as I suggested that was all the payment I needed for handing you over to someone else for a little bit, as much as I hated to see you holding the hand of anyone but your mum.

"I would enjoy that very much…"

There was, and still is to this day, something about Amelia that just makes me automatically trust her. Something in the way she acts toward you and me, something about the way you so easily accepted her. Something about the glimmer in her eyes that just reminds me of my own thirteen year old self. Something about the way she splashes in the water with you everyday now…it just makes her perfect for us…

You'll always remember her love, never forget the way she loved you as if you truly were that missing little sister of hers.

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><p><strong>Reviews make me smile! Like tons!<strong>


	5. Nov7th1839

**I stayed up late on the night before the first day of school to post this for you guys!**

**Here are my thanks for your thanks-**

**Sheila Chiaroscura - I'm glad you like the idea of having Amelia back. It really breaks my heart too what happened after the baby girl left…even though I…wrote it…lol**

**Bellatrix Nellie Le-Lovett - Simple and wonderful review! Thank you!**

**Burma - okok here's MOAR! I'm glad you'll be happy whatever way the story goes XD**

**Maxine the unknowingly admired - Glad you thought it was sweet! And yes…poor poor pitiful Amelia…**

**punk-rock-mermaid-queen - It did! Especially from a brand new reviewer! Thanks! =) =) =) =) =) - like tons**

**Thanks to punk-rock-mermaid-queen for favoriting**

**And Bellatrix Nellie Le-Lovett for alerting me!**

**Chapter 5**

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><p><strong>November 7th 1839<strong>

Eight years….

My god, you're eight years old.

That thought runs through my head every day now it seems…you're growing up much too fast! Or have I said that already? Tis completely true though!

Ever year goes by. And you learn and you grow and you turn into the beautiful girl I always knew you would be!

Well…let us see yet again!

Eight years ago you were just a little baby who couldn't hardly do much! And now you're a top student at school (with extra success in music, so I've heard! Makes me proud.), you're coming home every other day with crafts to show or give me, and your growing more and more gorgeous.

You spend most of your days still running around on the beach, now with Amelia usually not far behind. In the past two years you two have become sort of sisters, I suppose. A very mutual and sweet love you two have, even though her being a good seven years older then you! I don't often see many of your other little friends, but you talk about them often - the kids at school.

Hm…wot else is new? Ah! Last May you got the birthday present you've been asking for for a long time now!

Always- "Mummy mummy! Can I get one? PLEASE! ? ! ?"

Guess who finally gave in to you batting those long eye lashes?

In May, I got you a kitten. Tiny little thing with yellow and orange stripes. As thrilled as ever, you were! "I'll never ask for anything again! I love you forever!" you screamed…oh my, I laugh now just thinking about it.

You named the poor little thing Ellie…which Amelia has always thought just the funniest thing 'Nellie, Ellie, and Ella' she says the 'Nellie, Ellie, and Ella household' my oh my…

What I love about you the most? You haven't seemed to grow out of your ol' mum even just a bit. I feel we've grown together even more as you're getting older. We had a wonderful little conversation just the other day that just reminds me of how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful daughter as you, Ella.

You had come home for the night from Amelia's house (her mum being nice enough to let you spend hours on end over there!), and after I was done cleaning the super dishes, I found you sitting on your sofa, staring at a picture frame.

"Did you have a good time at Amelia's house today, love?" I asked, straightening out some linins and then sitting besides you. Not looking up from the frame in your hands, you simply nodded. I struggled to lean over and see what picture you were scrutinizing.

"Mummy?" you asked, your eyes not lifting. "When I was at Amelia's house today, we got to talking. She said that her orange hair came from her mummy, which she is right cause I saw her today… and that Melinda and Flynn's hair come from their father, who I haven't seen, but I suppose I take their word for cause they haven't lied to me before…but…"

Finally, your eyes looked up and caught mine where they now sat on the picture. "Wot about me? Where do my hair come from?"

Now that you were looking me in the eyes I could make out the pure question that circled them and twinkled in the very bottom.

The picture in your hands was of your father. An old picture, but one nonetheless. It was the one I had gotten framed for you for your sixth birthday, where your father is smiling and staring to his right. His shiny brown hair is longer then I ever wanted it to be. Always wanted to see it shorter, I wished. But I never told Ben…no I didn't…

Oh, sorry love!

Anyway, you have it sitting on the stand next to where you sleep every night now.

I took the frame from your hands to place it back where it belongs before either of us broke it somehow. To advert your focus from me, you picked up the doll that lies under your pillow until you sleep, and also picked up your brush and began to softly brush it's long blond hair.

Slowly and gently.

After I didn't say anything for a moment, you went on, "I mean, you have brown hair. And father had brown hair…but mine is different. And wot about my eyes too? I always hear you speak about how chocolate brown father's were, and you have brown eyes too! My eyes are blue…it's strange! It really is!"

After another moment passed and I heard you sniff as tears bothered to come to you, I placed my hand on your shoulder so you'd turn around.

"Ella deary?"

You stopped brushing and looked at me and I smiled a big smile at you in order to halt your tears. Out of your lap I took your brush and began to run it through your beautiful shiny hair.

Slowly and gently.

"You're hair came from your grandmum, my mother, I can tell you that much. She had the exact hair you got! I've always been jealous of this you see. 'Auburn hair' she used to call it. The magnificent color the leaves on the trees turn once every year. You're very lucky to have that deary, I'm glad that you do too. So gorgeous it is…"

I set the brush down and lifted you up to sit in my lap. Now face to face with you, I was able to reassure you in the eyes. "And those beautiful blue eyes?" I moved a piece of hair out of your face, "well…I've always thought of them as sort of a little bonus feature, I guess!"

You giggled and I laughed along. Just the sound of your smile makes me happy as can be.

"Why are you asking love? What's on your mind?"

Your eyes drifted back to the floor, "Well…a girl at my school is adopted. Means that she isn't with her real Mother or Father. I was just thinking maybe I was adopted?"

"Oh heavens no!" I wrapped my arms around your back and crushed you into a hug. "No way love, you are mine and only mine!"

I pulled back and the smile on your face made me feel just perfect. If I'm good in your eyes, life is wonderful and how it's suppose to be.

"I've been lying to you, Mum…" you said, suddenly solemn and quiet. I would have maybe been more upset if you didn't look so full of regret and sorrow for not telling me whatever it was you weren't telling me. You hopped off my lap and onto the floor, where Ellie crawled up and let you pick her up and scratch her belly.

"About what, love?" I finally asked, trying not to pull my eyebrows together too tight.

"I _have _been remembering my dreams lately…"

Oh god, not again. The dreams. The nightmares. The night terrors! The bloody things that wake you up night after night, year after year. Seems to be happening more and more often. Almost once a week recurrently since May now…you poor little thing. You'll wake up in the middle of the night screaming and crying, not being able to stop until you realize you're even doing it. And I come rushing out night after night to hold your crying little body and tell you that mummy's here and everything is alright…it's tragic. It's horrible really! Can't be healthy for someone of your age!

But I haven't done much about it because, well…up until this moment…you tell me you don't remember any of them.

But now you do…and it hurts to know that you've been going through this pain, and I have been able to do nothing to try and stop it.

Slowly, I lowered myself to the floor now too, my eyes wide and my heart racing. How awful could they be? What's considered awful for an eight year old? Ella long ago stopped believing in the monsters under her bed or hiding in the wardrobe.

"Ella?" I placed my hand on your knee but you continued to glue your eyes to the cat. "Tell me…please…"

With a quick glance into my eyes, as if to check if I really did care, you continued, your small voice shaking. "It's only one that I remember all of…it's about a kitty…" you paused as Ellie rolled to her back on the floor and began to sleep. I could almost hear your envious thoughts at the cat who so easily got to sleep and stayed asleep.

"Go on, love,"

You continued, though your voice was just above a whisper, "It's a happy little kitty, running around with it's kitty brothers and sisters and Mummy on the beach in the sand. She's ever so happy. But suddenly, the storm comes and the sun goes away. And from the shadows, a very very bad person comes and takes the kitty. And the kitty meows and meows but the mummy kitty isn't looking." your voice cracked with tears, it almost brought tears to my eyes too. "And…I don't really remember the rest…but the kitty is really sad…and really really scared…and the thunder and lighting come…and the kitty has to live with the bad person forever…"

I stood up sharply, breaking the contact, "Ella, stop this nonsense!"

"But Mummy!" you spoke up to me, the sparkling tears running down your cheeks "It's true! I don't lie!"

I suddenly became aware of my heart pounding loudly in my chest…and my hands moist and clenching and unclenching…what was this about? I tried to relax my tensed muscles as I took a deep breath and looked back down at you…sorry about that…don't know exactly what came over me…

"Sorry, love…"

You stood up and ran over to me, wrapping your arms around my waist.

"I want them to stop, Mummy…" you mumbled through your tears.

I bent down to your height and made the hug even before I muttered, "Me too love…me too. If there was anything I could do to make these nightmares stop for you…I would…I love you. And I would do anything to make you happy…"

We stood there for a while, until the tears stopped and I promised to let you sleep on the floor in my room just for tonight.

"I love you very much, Ella,"

"I love you too, Mummy…"

I only have one wish ever in the entire world.

I wish I could stop all your night terrors, dry all your tears, and make the rest of your long, wonderful life beautiful and innocent. And surrounded by people who love you very much.

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><p><strong>Reviews for my very tiered self tomorrow since I stayed up late to post this? XD<strong>


	6. Jan141842

**Lookie! A free Tuesday night for me to update!**

**Meh thankins yah**

**Dattestakida - Why thank you very much! I appreciate it a lot!**

**punk-rock-mermaid-queen - Aww…I've never been called doll before! Lol…thanks!**

**Burma - Nellie Ellie Ella…uh…I messed up after like two times fast. Haha!**

**Maxine the unknowingly admired - Almost as sad…yes…everything is sad, eh? Haha…my fav to write! XD**

**XDazedandConfusedX - Oh dear, I hope they get better too! *makes heart back***

**Sheila Chiaroscura - Thank you! I shall surely keep it up!**

**And**

**Sweeneylovett101 - Thank you love for trying to catch up! Your review for chapter three will have to hold me over until you catch all the way up!**

**Chapter six!**

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><p><strong>January 14th 1842<strong>

Such a dispirited little ten year old you are…it breaks my heart to see you sulk around everyday since Amelia had to leave only a few weeks ago. I never realized how important that girl was to you! Until now, where all you do all day long is sit at the end of the pier and watch the sun move across the sky, or take the usually cheery ribbon out of your hair and dangle it in front of the cat with that dull, tiered look on your face. You don't talk at meals…and my futile attempts to make you smile often fail…it hurts to know there's nothing I can do to make you your joyful self again!

Well…there is one thing you mentioned…but at the moment, I see it preposterously out of the question. Maybe if I go over your reasonings again, I'll see it in a different light?

Might as well.

I suppose it all started two Wednesdays ago, when Amelia stopped in the shop with that dreadfully sad look in her wet eyes…

You were _suppose _to be down in the house, reading your book for school, so I told Amelia to wait in one of the little seats out in the shop until you finished.

It was only a few moments before I noted the tears slowly streaming down her face. I dropped what I was doing and slowly walked over to where she sat, daydreaming out the window.

"Amelia, love?" I asked. At the sound of my voice, her head snapped up and her hands flew to dry her eyes. She looked up at me with this pristine look about her eyes - and it broke my heart as much as it breaks it to see you sad everyday.

I know you've always thought of Amelia as sort of a sister to you, but I'm not sure if you ever knew that I've always thought of her as a daughter as well.

"Wot's on your mind darling?"

She looked out the window again, and I doubted for a moment that she would even speak with me. After a few long beats floated by, she mumbled to me without turning her head, "Thank you for caring for me so much in the past few years, I'll never forget everything you've done for me…I appreciate it all so much,"

I narrowed my eyes in confusion, just wondering where she was going with this.

"Amelia?"

"I'm sorry Nellie… this is oh so hard for me!" her voice cracked with her words that were coated with sadness. She covered her face with her lanky fingers and struggled to wipe away the remaining tears. I whipped myself around the counter, swiftly walked to the seat besides her, and placed my hand on her shoulder to perhaps try and comfort her.

"Nellie, I'm going to be eighteen next week…" she started, struggling to hush her tears. "My mother says that she wants me to have a legitimate career…which she says I can't get in this town…"

I cocked my head as if to tell her to go on. "We're leaving! She wants us to go to a more demanding city…we're moving…"

My heart sank…oh no…

"I'm sorry love…" was all I could find in my mind to sputter out. My thoughts had immediately snapped to you. Amelia and her twin little siblings were just about all the friends I ever hear you talk about. There's others, but the Tarn's were all you really seemed to care about.

"But you know what?" came Amelia's voice, surprisingly calm and serene compared to what I had heard only seconds ago. She continued, "I'm…content about it. I know that sounds selfish and non-sympathetic but…I understand my mum's reasonings…and I believe it to be true." she looked up at me then and shrugged. Slowly, her eyes drifted back down and out the window, taking in her last few days in these surroundings. "Don't tell Ella I said that…" she continued, "I want to tell her myself…I want to explain it so she'll understand."

"Wot is there left to say?" Amelia and I turned our heads to see you stand up from behind the counter of the shop, where you had been hiding, listening the whole time. Tears were streaming down from your red eyes as you shuffled over to stand in the middle of the shop, a good distance from Amelia or me.

"Amelia, how _could _you?" you whispered, more tears sprouting. I had to resist the urge to get up and automatically hug you - you weren't just a little girl anymore.

"Ella…" Amelia sighed, "I…"

"No! Wot about me? Did you ever even think about me? How I would feel? How this was gonna effect me? How could you simply…leave! ? Just like that? Leave me behind like we aren't the closest of friends ever. How do you think I feel about this, Amelia?" your voice rising, and your posture becoming defensive and full of disgust, I glanced at Amelia to see her at a complete loss for words. I was too. Neither of us ever figured that you'd react like this.

"_I _am going to be so lonely without you! Wot am I suppose to do, huh? I don't understand how you could do this to me!" tears began to choke your angry voice. Before running out of the room in a fit of tears you sputtered out, "I _hate _you!"

When the room was empty and quiet again, I made sure Amelia knew that you didn't mean what you said. I know you didn't, there's just times when the emotions take you over so much that you're not completely sure of what you're saying. You just want to get out the anger in you, and that can result in a little harsher words then you meant.

The next day, you two, along with the twins, were able to have a proper goodbye. With everyone crying and hugging like one of you was being sentenced to death or something. Still, it might as well have been that, since Amelia wasn't exactly sure where she was moving to yet, and didn't have an address to send a friendly letter to later. With a smile and a promise to write us when she could, her and the rest of the Tarn's left. I'm sure you'll forever remember standing there on the side of the road, watching that carriage pull away, and sitting there for hours afterwards, hugging your knees to your chest, and praying for your big sister to come back.

I know it hurts love, and I'm ever so sorry…but there was truly nothing we could do about it.

Going on with my reasonings, I'm only including this little part here because this, I believe, is what brought the whole idea to your mind. Well, part of it anyway.

Last Monday, I was working away in the shop when a customer came in. So lost in my own thoughts, I didn't even notice the person until their shadow passed over me.

"Mrs. Lovett?" the voice came, and I looked up to really see the customer.

I recognized the face straight away. "Marie Mooney!" I muttered as a smile spread across my face.

The chubby, tiered looking older women in the shop was an old…acquaintance of mine when we lived back in London. We never really talked much, her being a pie shop rival of mine, but she was a regular gossip and therefore seemed to know what was going on in everyone's life at anytime. Therefore, as disturbing as that could be at times, it made her easy to talk to. After a quick (and awkward at that) hug, we continued to talk.

"What brings you to the seaside?" I asked, going with an easy directing for the conversation.

"Visiting family briefly I am! And this is where you live now, eh?" She took to sitting down in one of the tables to rest, and I slowly made my way back around the counter to continue sowing sequins onto a skirt.

"Certainly is. I love it here very much! So you've been well then?" small talk…gotta love it, eh?

"Oh yes…just me and my lonely ol' self! And you've been good with your lonely ol' self?" Ellie waltzed up to the stranger, being the bizarrely friendly cat that she is. I almost walked over and brought Ellie back to the house cause…don't tell anyone I told you, but I heard gossip back when I lived in London that the neighborhood gossip caught cats to cook into her pies…

"Oh no…hm…_we're _just fine here." I corrected, figuring she must have known that I had a daughter…right?

"Wot? You and the cat?" she laughed, trying to be funny, I suppose.

"No…"

She narrowed her old eyes and began to fidget with a small needle I had left on the table. "Oh! So you've found someone after being with that awful bugger of a husb…?"

"No!" I cut her off. How dare she speak ill of Benjamin? "I'm speaking about my daughter!"

"Oh ho oh!" she laughed, her voice deep and gruffy, "So you were simply a mistress, eh?"

"Heavens no!" I quickly said back, hoping that you weren't listening somewhere! "Ella _is _mine! And I thought you knew that! You stopped by once or twice when I was pregnant, remember?"

Suddenly, her forehead scrunched together and she drew in a quick breath in confusion. "Well yes but…" she stopped for a moment as if she was unsure of what to say. But she went on, "I heard that your baby died,"

"Excuse me?" now it was my turn to be confused.

"Well, it sounds terrible but it's true! The whole city was buzzing that your daughter was born dead, they said! Specially after you left, well I believed it to be true!"

"No no no!" I shook my head, almost violently to prove my point. What a horrible thing! For everyone in your birth town to believe you were dead! "My daughter, Ella, was born healthy and is a perfectly fine ten year old today!" as if to prove to the skeptical gossip that I wasn't lying, I pulled open the door to the house and spoke to you, where you sat reading on the sofa, "Ella, come out here for a moment, will yah?"

Standing up slowly, you came through the door and stepped into the shop.

"Wot is it, Mum?" you muttered, softly, not happy that I interrupted your book, I suppose.

"Ella, say hello to an old friend of mine from London, Mrs. Mooney," I motioned to where she still sat, wide-eyed and dumbfounded, at the shops table.

You reluctantly curtsied. "How do you do?"

Hm…learned that in school, I suppose!

"Well ever so polite she is!" Mrs. Mooney shouted. "And not in the least bit dead!"

"Uh…Mum?" you turned to me, _you _now wide-eyed and confused.

"I'll tell yah later deary, back to reading with you, eh?"

With a nod and another glance at the astonished woman in the shop, you left happily.

Well…just thought I'd clear that up real quick!

Going on with it though, I think it was Mrs. Mooney who brought the whole thought to your mind in the first place. Or at least helped it grow.

London.

London, England.

It wasn't but a few days later, only yesterday, that you brought the whole subject up.

It started out in the shop where, you hate it I know, but you have to be everyday now that Amelia isn't here to watch you out on the beach.

You were staring out the window, that dreary and clouded look in your eyes. You turned your head to watch me for a few moments before you muttered, almost silently, "Mum? Do you like it here?"

Not stopping what I was doing, I answered simply and truthfully, "Of course,"

"More then London then?" your small, muddled tone of your voice, made me begin to wonder what was really going through your head in these last few silent weeks.

"Well…yes. That's why I moved us here when you were still a baby!" I smiled at you as your unsatisfied gaze drifted back out the window.

Low and rough your voice came again, "Well I _hate _it here…"

Now I stopped what I was doing and slowly walked over to you. Now that I could hear the tears in your throat, and the hurt in your chest. Now that I could hear the bitter thoughts that were buzzing around in your head like angry bees.

"Ella?" I whispered once I was sitting across the table from you. You turned your head more, not wanting me to see the tears or the resentful look on you face.

I reached out to grab your chin and turn your head toward me so we could talk properly, but you pulled out of my reach, and with one cold glance in my eyes, you turned to stand up.

Now pacing around the room, you set off.

"Mum, I hate it here! I hate how hot it is everyday! I hate all the sand and all the bloody all too cheery people!"

"Ella!" I scolded, struggling to not have my blood boil too.

"No listen!" You shouted, running your fingers into your long, loose hair and grabbing at the strands as if you wanted to yank them out. "I have absolutely _no _friends!" Spotting the shocked look on my face, you explained. "Amelia, Melinda, and Flynn are gone! And there's never been anyone else, mum! I made them all up to make _you _happy. So it'd seem that I wasn't as daft as I really am. Mum, the kids at school poke fun at me! They tease me relentlessly about every other thing! They taunt me about my curly hair and how it's always out of control. They mock my singing and they mock my dancing. They pester me about my accent because everyone here doesn't have the same one I do! They'll steal my drawings and my crafts and throw them in the mud because they think it's ever so funny! I _hate _it here!"

I found myself suddenly having to resist tears coming to my eyes. It hurt to think about you going through all this pain and me not even knowing.

"My grades are dropping and I don't want to sing anymore! I hate how everyday all I want to do is see Amelia and play with her but I can't!"

I was at a loss for words at this point. How was I suppose to respond to your screaming and shouting? To your mad pacing up and down the shop and stomping your foot and crying. This battle you fight everyday that I didn't even know about to this point was killing you, and I wasn't sure how to bring you back home from it.

"And I am _so bloody tiered _of waking up every other single night on this sofa screaming and screaming! And about what, I can't even remember! I'm disgusted at the thought of seeing this bloody parlor come into focus in the dark room every time I wake up from yet another night terror!" tears accompanied your words, sobs interrupted them.

You suddenly and abruptly took in a deep breath and calmed. "But Mum, listen! What if, perhaps, something could change that, eh? I want to move! I feel this can all change if we move! I wanna go back to where I was born, I wanna move to London! Isn't that a smashing idea though?" your eyes were slowly drying and beginning to light up at the idea sprouting in your head.

Brilliant, you thought. Foolproof, you thought.

When I didn't even blink about it, you went on, continuing to pace again. "And your friend, Mrs. Mooney is there, correct? And Mum! Mum, listen! Amelia said that…_perhaps _that was where she was moving to! Wouldn't it be smashing to go there? To just leave this all behind and move to London? Don't you think Mum?" out of things to say, you waited for me to say something, to go along with your brilliant plan that you've undoubtedly spent hours on end thinking about. When I didn't say anything, you struggled to bring me back from where ever my mind had floated to. You walked up to me and shook your head, "Mum? Don't you think?"

I'm not exactly sure where my mind went…or what I was thinking about when you brought up London.

London, England.

_I wanna go back to where I was born, I wanna move to London!_

I seemed to be stuck on that phrase, for whatever reason. I don't…know…why…

_where I was born…_

_where I was born…_

_where I was born…_

"MUM!" you broke me out of the mystery trance.

Shaking my head and blinking widely, you came back into focus. And before I could practically process anything you had just tried to persuade me with or see the defensive and crazed look on your face, I said. "I don't think that'll happen, Ella,"

As more tears rose from the awful pain of rejection in your chest, you ran away into the house, barely remembering to pick up your long dress so you wouldn't trip over it.

I apologies for that now, love. I really should have given it more thought.

But now that I've gone over and analyzed the whole situation again, I feel any answer now will be more easily understood by you.

I'm so sorry love, but for whatever reason, I hate the thought of seeing you…me…us…in London. _Back_…in London.

I feel like I can't exactly tell you why…and we may never know for sure.

But understand me when I say, I only want what's best for you. And what's best for you is to stay out of London.

Trust me on that, deary.

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><p><strong>You know the drill. <strong>

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	7. March26th1844

**A time traveler came back in time and told me that tomorrow was going to be heck…so I'm updating a day early. **

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**Chapter seven**

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><p><strong>March 26th 1844<strong>

Gave me quite a fright you did there deary!

Gave me quite a huge scare…

I'm still a bit in shock over the whole thing, I suppose. Even right now, I sit out at the kitchen table, writing in the moonlight, afraid to light a candle because I might wake you. You're sleeping at the moment, so silently on your sofa…and I watch you as if I'm afraid that if I don't stay up all night keeping an eye on you, you'll leave again. I'll sneak back in my room before you wake up in the morning, knowing that if you knew how I watched you, you'd start thinking you were in a prison of some sorts.

But you're not, I just don't want you running off again.

God, you're so gorgeous…a nice proper twelve year old you are now…growing up so fast…but you still take my breath away. With the moonlight playing on your soft, pale features and your auburn hair splayed over your face peacefully.

Why did you run away, Ella?

I don't understand…how could you possibly ever think that was the only thing left to do…that there was no other option?

You just about gave me a heart attack!

My little girl…run away from home as if she thinks that somewhere out there, there's something completely better.

What am I doing wrong?

What am I doing wrong to have us break into that horrible fight the other day?

I had made you a new dress the week before, it was the perfect design, exactly what you said you wanted, and you said that you loved it.

I remember adding the last few pins into your hair, making it the beautiful messy pile on top of your head that we've both come to know and love, and muttering, "There, you're stunning,"

You stopped for a moment and scrutinized yourself in the mirror, running your eyes up and down your narrow cheek bones, up past your dark eyes to your hairline where the bundle sat.

"Mum?" you began. "Am I really beautiful?"

I walked up behind you and placed my hands on your shoulder, also running my eyes up and down your perfect features. "Of course, love. I envy you, to be honest!" Bending down to kiss you on the cheek, I finished, "Any lad would be lucky to have you!"

But you swiftly moved to avoid my kiss as my complements didn't bring a smile to your lips. "You're my mum, you have to say that…" your gaze dropped to the floor, and I wondered what in the world you saw in that mirror that would make you want to look away.

"Yes…well…" I clearly wasn't very sure what to say.

Without letting me continue with my reasonings, you began to yank the pins out of your hair and let it messily fall onto your shoulders while muttering harshly, "No one else my age around here wears their hair like this!"

I had the sudden urge to grab the pins as they clanked to the floor and force them back into your hair, but I resisted it - as much as it hurt to see you so angrily throw what I worked so hard on away.

"Ella!"

"Mum, why do you insist I be different, eh? Why the bloody hell can't I just wear the same dresses everyone else dose and wear my hair like the rest of the kids my age! ?" you whined, continuing to pull at your hair, trying to get it the way you want it.

"Do _not _talk to me that way," I scolded, feeling the heat rise in my face. I hate getting angry, but you know better then to say things like that, love.

"Mum really! I'm sick of my own mother making my dresses like I'm still five! I'm tiered of having you do my hair like I can't handle it myself! I'm almost thirteen! I can handle these things, don't you understand at all?"

My teeth clenching and tears beginning to rise in my eyes I struggled to remain the bigger person in your rebellion.

"Ella…" I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes, my mind suddenly flashing to your…I mean someone I once knew. He used to make me angry on a regular basis. Not saying that you do, of course, but I haven't felt this kind of anger since he was in my life. A feeling of, I love you, but I hate the way you're acting.

"You told me you loved your dresses, love. You shouldn't change your tastes just because of others, yah know. And you know the hair-do's nice, you told me yourself - It helps control your hair and it keeps it off your shoulder in this scorching hot weather we have…"

You ignored most of my defenses, and went on arguing, which pierced my heart like a sword.

"How many times do I have to mention it? I _hate _it here! I hate it for the exact reason that it's hot and moist and curls my hair beyond control!"

"Well we're not going anywhere, so you might as well get used to it!"

With one more flustered grunt, you ran out of the house and across the beach and down the pier. I truly didn't mean to get so angry but, Ella! No is no…we're staying here and I know you don't understand yet…but this is best for us.

I _hate _how we've been arguing lately. It makes me cry every night when I think about the fact that you don't trust me anymore. Sometimes I wish you could just be that little six year old again, spinning around alone on the sand, singing a song in your head and smiling when I join you in your spinning. Sometimes, I'd give anything to see you like that again.

I never even hear you sing or laugh anymore…I miss it.

I didn't watch you as you stood out on the pier, yelling ever so loudly to the sea about how much you hated it… and how much you hated me.

You won't say it to my face, but I know it's true.

I should have watched you, waited for you to come back inside and fixed you a nice cup of tea to calm your nerves so we could actually have a civilized chat but…I didn't. I sulked in my bedroom with the door shut, reading until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and had to drift to sleep.

I wish I had simply checked the parlor before sleep washed over me. But I drowned in it so fast, loving the relief and silence it brought me…that I didn't even notice that you never came back inside that night.

And the next morning, my heart was almost stopped when you weren't sleeping on the parlor sofa like you always are. And you hadn't fallen asleep out on the pier, and you weren't dozing in Amelia's old yard (where I used to find you every once in a while shortly after she moved).

And I simply couldn't find you anywhere.

I couldn't find you…I couldn't apologize.

Panic began to set in by noon, when you still hadn't returned from wherever you ran off to. I had already gone to everyone in town we knew and asked if they had seen you, and no one knew a thing.

I would have thought that you had accidentally slipped into the sea water if I hadn't noticed that your hairbrush, the picture of your father, and the cat, were all missing.

I knew you were out there somewhere.

I knew that you had chosen to just leave me…without even a note left as to what was going on.

After franticly running around for hours, struggling to see my feet step in front of each other through the tears, and my heart racing so fast I thought it would leap out of my chest, I contacted a constable to start a search for you.

For my imagination had gotten away with me, it had. And all I could think of was your beautiful self, strutting around with nothing but the cat at three in the morning, small and vulnerable. What horrible things could the sick people of this town and the surrounding towns do to you? I had to sit once and sob into my hands for several minutes while my mind rattled them off- rob, kidnap, rape, kill…

And I could just imagine your screams that no one would hear as someone took you away…and around two I was getting that horrible and utter helpless, sinking feeling, that I might never get to see you again.

It made the tears unstoppable, it made my shaking uncontrollable, it made my imagination run wild…no…I had gone though too much trouble to get you, I wasn't about to loose you just like that!

I told myself that if you were hurt and we found you, I would kill whoever took advantage of you all myself. It makes me nauseous that these malevolent people don't think about the child's family in the least bit. I hate it, I really do.

By four, the police didn't know what to do with me I was in so much shock. I know it probably hurts you to know that I didn't think you could make it out there on your own, but…I suppose it's not _you _I don't have faith in…it's everyone else…you can't trust anyone.

And I was scared that you mistakenly did.

Pretty soon, after five o'clock ticked by and no one had anything on where you might have gone to, I began to doubt that it was ever your fault. Did someone grab you by your hair down at the pier, force you to grab a few things at home to stage a run-away and go with him? Makes sense…cause my baby Ella would never run away from home…no…things aren't that bad here…right?

But in the back of my mind, I knew better, of course.

I wanted to pick up this notebook at that time and write about how badly I just wanted to see your face and hold you in my arms again, but I didn't have the heart to when I thought that you may never get to read it now…

I just remember promising that if they found you, that I'd be a better mum to you then ever before. I would listen and maybe even obey your every request…I would hug you and never let you go…I would tell you everything, I would hold nothing back anymore…

Your mum has more secrets then you know…

And now…

Here you lay in front of me, only about ten feet from me, perfectly safe, warm under the covers, as good today as you were two days ago.

Past super time they found you with the help of tips from passer-byers who said they saw a confused looking little girl walking down the street with a cat at her side. You were already a few towns over, struggling to find your way to London, I'm sure.

And I cried as I hugged you, simply relieved that I was holding you again. I don't think you shared my intense joy, you were happy to be home, but I don't think you were as pleased to have to show everyone that you had failed.

Well…forget and forgive…eh?

You're home now…you're safe and no one even tried to touch you…thank God…

And the past two nights you've been home, I sit at this table and watch you. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to stop the habit, but hopefully, you don't find out and reject me.

I'm perfectly happy sitting here, watching your chest rise and fall, watching Ellie curled up at your feet and purring, watching you and having to write by moonlight…it makes me all the more grateful I have you.

I'll never take for granted the fact that I have you, Ella. My beautiful, twelve year old rebel, who wants nothing more then to call your own shots. You're growing up much to quickly for my likings. And though pretty soon you'll be off on your own, I'll never take for granted the years we have together. Ever minute, ever moment. Because it can all be taken away as quickly as it came…

I could not even have you in the first place…

I… had a friend… whose daughter was a stillborn…and even though she has a kid now, she still cries about it every once in a while, when her other daughter isn't looking. It's foolish when you just want to forget about it…but you can't really stop it when that reminding wave of sadness comes…well, I suppose, that is. I personally can't be for sure I suppose…

Ella, I love you.

And I miss the days when you said I love you back.

We'll have to talk about this, love. I want to see the light back in your eyes.

I want to go through with most of my promises. I want to listen to what you truly want and do whatever it is I have to do to make you happy, within reason, of course. I'm going to hug you daily, whether you like it or not.

I'm going to say 'I love you' every time we part, even if you're simply going to sulk out on the pier…even if you don't say I love you back.

I want our connection back, love. I want you to look at me as your best friend, and not just your poor-spirited mum anymore.

And as for not holding anything back from you now…I just don't know anymore…it's weighing on my chest like a million stones…and I'm frightened that somehow, I'll end up telling you everything uncontrollably anyway…

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><p><strong>O.o<strong>

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	8. Sept17th1844Midnight

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**Chapter eight!**

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><p><strong>September 17<strong>**th**** 1844**

**Midnight**

It was killing me.

It was breaking my heart to go on day after day with you.

It literally hurt so bad that every time I saw you it feels like I'm going to die inside.

And that's how I knew I had to tell you.

It's been thirteen years today…and you've been waking up every night with those nightmares and you've been screaming and crying about it every night and even everyday. I see the terrors come into your tiered day dreams… Neither of us have slept in months it's seemed.

So…this time…when you woke up screaming and crying and I habitually ran out to comfort you back to sleep, I stopped myself…

And I told you.

First of all…let me start by saying that the last few months with you have been brilliant. Through some talking and compromising, we've rekindled our relationship. We talk and laugh and sing together. And you've even come to love the dresses I make you and the hair that you do all on your own now. And since I enrolled you in that new school way across town (that I didn't even know was there until you told me about it!) you've come to making a few new casual friends.

They never seemed to ruin a date between us, though.

And that's all over now…

So there we sat, face to face earlier tonight in the pale moonlight that splashed through the window and into the room. And I looked into those bright blue eyes of yours and I knew…it was September 17th, and I needed to tell her…

"Ella…" I mumbled as my heart leaped and every fiber of my being told me to go back to bed and leave it all be. "We need to talk…"

I slowly broke the eye contact we had been sharing and walked to the kitchen to light a candle.

"About what, Mum?" you asked, your features pulling together. "Oh no! You didn't find out about what my friends and I did, did you?" you laughed, trying to lighten the mood after such a horrible fright you had just woken up from. That's usually my job, but my mind was so many other places.

I smiled softly as I turned around to bring the circle of light to Ella's…_your_…face. Sorry there.

Anyway, I mumbled with a sad smile, "Hm…no, love,"

"Oh good!" you laughed that laugh that usually warms my heart, but tonight it froze it and made it hard. I didn't want to give you up.

My mind and body were shouting- _leave leave leave _as if someone was holding a gun to my temple.

But I guess something in me figured that after thirteen years, this shouldn't still…couldn't still…be going on.

Because it was killing me.

Slowly and painfully like a dreadful disease.

And it was unbeknownst to you, killing you too. Spreading and spreading into every bit of sleep or relaxation utter terror…

"Cause you know…we _did _do something…" you shattered my train of thought.

"That doesn't matter anymore…" I muttered, and I couldn't fully see your reaction because I couldn't find the strength to look you in the eyes.

"Mum? Wot's wrong…?" your voice was slow and confused, and it made the tears start to rise in my throat. So much for keeping them down as long as possible.

I looked up now into you bright blue eyes yet again and watched you as you uncomfortably shifted under the quilt I made for you years ago.

"_This _is wrong…"

I knew that this was going to hurt, and that it wasn't safe. But I knew more that I had to make a change. And even when I break, when the revelation breaks both of us and we crumble under the lonely pressure, at least we'll be feeling something.

"Ella…" I wanted to say your name as many times as possible before…it wasn't your name anymore.

"Ella…I love you…" I sighed, just trying to halt my tears. "But you are not mine…" the tears weren't going to so easily be stopped and were apparent at the end of my words.

You narrowed your eyebrow, shifted you eyes and asked confused, "Mum? _Wot _are you talking about?

"You're not mine…" I repeated, that was all that seemed to be playing over and over again in my head.

"Wot're mean by that?" you asked, probably dying to know what was going on and why your own mother couldn't look you in the eyes or speak properly.

"Just that. You're not mine. And you never were."

"Mum…"

"Stop calling me that!" I shouted suddenly, turning away, not being able to stand your words to my face anymore. "I'm not your mum…"

"Wot the heck is going on?" you mumbled. Ellie jumped up in the couch and I could hear her collar jingle with the little bell we had placed on it. I was glad she was here to comfort you in probably what would be the hardest moment of your life…of both of our lives.

"Ella…" I choked over my words. "I'm sorry…I shouldn't even be calling you that anymore…" I looked up to the corner across the room on an opposite wall and centered my attention there for now. I went on, beginning to try and get this all across to you. "I _had _a daughter…her name was Ella. She was born in London…"

"Yes…Mum…" your voice was slow and pronounced very properly, as if you were speaking to a young child or someone who couldn't fully hear you. "That's me…you've told me all of that before…"

"But you don't understand!" I spat, not moving my gaze. "That's _not _you…you're not her. My daughter Ella…she died…"

"No I didn't, I'm right here!" your voice was becoming frantic and confused… "Look at me!" I didn't turn my head. You kicked the quilt off your legs, crawled across the sofa to me, and grabbed my head and turned it rudely and abruptly. I didn't mind. I deserved it. "Wot has gotten into you? Are you ill?" you asked, and now I could see the utter concern that curved you eyebrows in and caused your lips to curl down. I took it in, knowing that soon, you wouldn't care for me so much.

"Listen!" I prompted, as your hands slid off my head "My daughter Ella…was a stillborn…she…died, the day she was born."

You still didn't understand…you were still confused out of your bloody mind, "But Mum, I'm right. Here."

"But you are not…You are not mine!" I was almost shouting, what more was there to understand? What weren't you getting?

"I'm so confused…" you leaned back to your side of the sofa, as if backing away in terror. I could see tears sprinkling the corner of your beautiful eyes…and it broke my heart even more.

What had I gotten myself into? ?

But I had to continue, there was no turning back now.

"My baby died…and I moved here cause I was so…lost without her…and I didn't know what else to do with myself…" I let my drifting eyes jump up and catch yours before I muttered, "and then I saw you…"

"You saw me? But…I thought…"

"Listen! I saw you with your family…you were just a baby, probably only about four months or so…" the scene played over in my mind as I talked through it…the sunny days of late September in a new home, sitting at the table and glancing out the big window…seeing the happy families.

Including yours.

"And you were in your carriage in the shade…and you were sleeping ever so quietly…and your mum was off playing with her three other children." I stopped briefly to take a breath and laugh bitterly. I couldn't bare to look up at you as I continued my story. "She had _four _children…And I never could or even still can…understand how it was fair…that she had four healthy children…and I had lost my only child…and I couldn't have anymore even if I wanted to because…my husband was dead."

"But, you told me that my father was sent away…" you muttered so quietly, just trying to wrap your mind around the seemingly impossible situation. You still simply didn't seem to be getting it at all!

"That's because Benjamin isn't your father! Albert isn't…isn't either because…I'm not even your mum!…and…" I had to stop myself and take a breath before the tears choked off all of my words. After a beat, I continued, "I was never married to Benjamin…he was sent away…Albert was my real husband and he…well he died…"

Silence…you didn't seem to be grasping that one well at all. You didn't say anything, but I heard your bitter thoughts.

_What else have you lied to me about? _

I continued with the story…wanting to just bloody get it over with…

"And I saw you, with your family…and I was _so _jealous…" my face was soaking by now, covered with so many tears, my throat aching, my stomach and chest aching. It just hurts…there's nothing else to say except for it. Bloody. Hurts.

"And when your mum wasn't looking… I stole you…I…I took you from your carriage and I…took you home with me!" there? Could you possibly need it anymore clearer then that? Isn't that well explained enough?

Sobs racked my body…as if Ella was dying all over again.

I sniffed "And then…only about an hour later, a man came knocking on my door," I laughed bitterly at the memory. "And I was holding you! You were right there in my arms and you were sleeping and the man said, 'ma'am? Did you see a carriage out on the beach at the back of your home? Did you perhaps see someone take a baby from this carriage?' and you were right there in my arms and I shook my head and responded, 'no…but how horrible that is…' And before he walked away, he looked at you and he smiled sadly and said, 'you're very lucky to have her…this mum's going crazy looking for her baby. And no one can find her anywhere. And no one has any lead as to where she might be or anything…' then he walked away and…no one ever suspected anything of us, I suppose…" I laughed again. I was so happy at the time, and now it seems to be the worst nightmare ever.

So… much… regret.

"Ella?" I mumbled, and you probably couldn't even understand what I had just said.

Suddenly and swiftly you shot up off the sofa and you walked desperately to the other side of the room and began to do your madman pacing you do when you're stressed.

And you shouted at me, "This isn't true! You're lying to me! Prove to me this is true!" I heard the sheer anguish in your words. "I don't understand!" your tears matched mine now, I could see you brilliant eyes red and bloodshot, your face soaked, and your posture full of that hatred that I had tried so hard to get rid of.

"I wouldn't lie about something like this!" I muttered up to you, suddenly feeling so small with you towering over me. "Wot a horrible thing it twould be to trick you with!" you didn't respond, you just glued your perplexed look to the floor and hung your mouth open as if in disgust.

"I wouldn't lie about this…" I continued, calmly, trying to coax you back down to relax.

My plan failed, "But this doesn't make any bloody sense! I…you…you're my mum! You have to be!" you suddenly shot your hurt gaze down to me.

I turned my head to avoid the bullets there where shooting in my direction as I mumbled back, "Ella, think about it! Think about your night terrors! About the kitty…having to live with the very bad person who took her away…" you suddenly turned your back to me and forced the palms of your hands to your ears, pressing hard because you didn't want to hear anymore of this… But I went on, despite my desire to breath becoming less and less… "Think about how you never thought you looked like me or your father! Think about your blue eyes and your auburn hair…think about how I was so reluctant to have us move back to London, huh?…Because everyone there thinks you're dead…"

You lowered your hands now…and even as your angry back arched more and more like an animal and your fists clenched…and I could almost feel your heart racing a million beats every second, all I wanted to do was comfort you.

"Ella…"

"Don't call me that!" you shot at me this time, spinning around, and finally showing me your red, blotchy, wet, face to me personally. "That's not my name!…" you paused and shook you head. "Who is my family?" you stuttered on, your mind racing and racing. Sobs racked your words and the shaking was apparent in your speech.

I was slow to answer.

"WHO?" you demanding, shouting loudly now, "I can see you know! I can see it in your eyes! You know!"

I was still slow to say anything, knowing that it would only increase the pain we were both feeling.

"Your mum had four children…You…twins…and an older sister…"

I wasn't looking at you, but I could just as well hear your eyes widen as realization hit you square in the chest.

Still…I went on… "And their names were…Amelia, Flynn, and Melinda…"

It was dead silent.

No breaths, no sniffs, just utter, eerie silence.

After what seemed like hours, you muttered something too low for me to hear…and then you…you _laughed_ and, louder this time, you said, "She's my sister…"

The laugh broke my heart. It was so cold and resentful sounding…I couldn't think of anything else to say but… "I'm sorry, love."

"You're sorry?" you shouted in disbelief and I managed to lift my head to see you pacing again across the room. "She's my sister and I never even knew it! She never even knew…she used to…tell me about her little sister and all the things they used to do for those short four months together and how much she missed her and wanted to be with her!" your words were so quick and suffocated by sobs that at this point, you were almost too hard to understand… "But I'm…" you turned, as if you were talking to me, (but I knew better then to think you were) and jabbed your fingers at yourself, "I'm that little sister!"

You were happy. Your face, for that brief moment, was happy and content.

But all to suddenly it turned full of hatred again…and you went on, "But Amelia's gone now…and I don't know where to and it's been…it has been _three years _and she never even wrote…and…I'll never be able to…" all too suddenly you turned toward me again and we locked harsh gazes. There was fire in your eyes. Fire that I've never seen before. It burned into my soul, and I swear, I almost died on the spot.

And you began shouting, "My family! I had them and you let them leave! Just like that!"

I wasn't sure what to say as I broke into hysterics, almost a fit on the floor, I wanted to beg for your forgiveness, anything to get those flames out of you brilliant eyes and the beautiful twinkle I knew and loved so much back in…

"Deary, listen…I"

"No!" you stopped me again, not about to let me get the upper hand, I suppose, "I don't understand! How could you be such a horrible person as to do this kind of a thing? How _could _you?"

Horrible person.

Hatred.

Utter, pure hatred…I was dead now, you were all of my life, and you didn't want to be in it anymore…so I was dead. I died that night.

I sputtered out my only true reasoning…my only thing that seemed to justify everything…for me, at least…

"I…had…have… so much love to give…"

"That's a bloody awful excuse…" was all I heard you mutter in utter disgust…and you sat back down on the sofa, taking care to be as far away from me as possible.

I think the tears had stopped for both of us now. Because after so much hurt, your body simply isn't sure what to do anymore…and the tears stop, and the shaking stops…and all you seem like you want to do is fall asleep and never wake up.

"My family…" I heard you mutter after several long minutes had floated by, "I have to find them…"

"It's late…" I muttered, monotone…and meaningless…I was drained…that was all… I went on, "you're welcomed to stay here tonight till morning…if you'd like…"

And I got up and walked to my room…but I haven't been sleeping.

How can you sleep when you're already dead?

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><p><strong>O.o<strong>

**Don't worry loves! Ella's not getting away from me that easily!**

**Review to find out what's next!**


	9. Later

**To my reviewers - **

**Bellatrix Nellie Le-Lovett - Thanks for the review! Hope you stop choking! That's not good! XD**

**Burma - Aww thanks! Best story evar? Thank you so much! And happy late birthday!**

**Maxine the unknowingly admired - Haha! Your review really made my day too. Thank you!**

**Here we move on!**

**Chapter Nine**

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><p><strong>Dear Ella…<strong>

If I even have the right to call you that anymore, which I don't, truly. If you don't mind though, for the last few things I ever say to you, let me wallow in my fantasies just a bit longer. I hope it doesn't drive you to rip up this letter and send it to pieces on the floor.

I would call you by your real name if I knew it. I suppose you do, having heard so many times about how Amelia loved her little sister. Don't ever tell me…whatever happens. There's just something about losing your name after losing you…it…I'm not entirely sure…will be too hard to take, I suppose. If that even really makes any sense at all.

It's early in the morning and the sun is peaking out from over the horizon and playing it's pink and purple colors in the sky, and it reminds me of the days where I would wake up early to watch it - the days when it was all I had to watch over, before I had you.

I won't lie and say that I was nothing less then entirely relieved to see you still sleeping in the parlor when I cracked open my door to see if you had left yet tonight. There you slept, and sleep now, like nothing had ever happened. Like your world hadn't just been toppled over and thrown into an ocean of shock. As if you were going to wake up tomorrow thinking that the whole conversation we shared was just another one of your night terrors.

So I'm writing this scatter-brained letter to you, so you won't suspect that. So you'll know what I had to say to you was true.

And under this letter, I'm including eight and a half other entries.

The last eight are letters that I've written to you over the thirteen years that I've had you - year after year all the way up until tonight. They tell about all different sorts of things. I intended to give them to you when you were grown and having children of your own, but now I realize that I probably won't ever see you again, let alone my grandchildr…hm…sorry…_your_ children.

Going on…the letters say a lot about how much I love you…here I sit now in my bed, still with you so close yet so distant…and I cry because I know you'll never love me like I loved you…love you. Always will love you.

You're not Ella. You're not mine. I have no right to love you and I have no right to expect you to love me back. I never have and I never will…but I do anyway.

Sorry…so muddled my thoughts are, just trying to write this all on paper and get it out to you before you wake up and leave to find your family.

The first half of a letter I'm including with the bunch, is about the day I took you. It tells everything I know about your real family, which I'm sure you know more about then me, of course. I just thought I'd include that for you because…well it's yours…not mine anymore. Which yet again doesn't make much sense but is entirely true.

What else can I say?

I'm crying so violently now…I'm afraid I might wake you.

My daughter was taken so quickly from me, and it seems to be playing all over again as I scribble out my good bye to you.

Please, never forget me, love.

Never forget about the one who splashed around in the ocean with you and spent hours on end building sandcastles on the beach. Never forget who always rocked you back to sleep after your nightmares, never forget who would brush your hair and tell you stories about your father. Please, oh god, never forget who loved you ever so much even though in the back of my mind, I've known for thirteen years that you're not my Ella!

Never forget me…please, I beg of you…it's all I want.

It's all I ask.

And I shouldn't be asking for anything, but I am.

Just never forget your mum…good ol' mum…who raised you and watched you grow.

My heart aches for you now…I don't know where you'll go to now that you no longer have a home. I know you don't want to stay with me, even though I wish with ever bit of my heart that you would.

I know you won't.

I can't be trusted by you anymore.

What an awful day…when you find out that the person you've looked up to all your life…when you find out that they're just a dreadful, flawed, person.

Much too flawed for my own good, I suppose.

I'm resisting the never ceasing urge to go out into the parlor and hold you while you sleep. To rock you in my arms and cry to you…to hold you one last time.

I don't deserve it…I know I keep saying that, but we both know it's true.

You're such a great person, such a great baby and child, and now a beautiful young woman, and I don't deserve you because I am such a _horrible _person.

I'll miss you.

Of course I will!

God, I'll miss you everyday…like you really were my baby who died.

Goodness…this is ever so hard to write out a goodbye…

It draws on and on because I don't want to say that last word.

No mother ever should have to say goodbye to their daughter…no proper mother at least.

Unfortunately, that isn't the exact spot I find myself in. I'm a repulsively improper mother, who deserves nothing less then to have to say goodbye to her only love in life.

Her brilliant, auburn haired, blue eyed, kind hearted baby girl…

What more can I say?

…

Please…take the cat with you…we both know it's always been more yours then mine. Take a picture of Benjamin and tell everyone that it was your handsome father who never gave in, because from what I've heard your real father was a horrendous man to be around.

Don't take anything of me, I'm obviously not any better a person then most…but take these letters.

You don't have to talk about me. You don't have to picture my face in your mind while you fall asleep at night like I will yours. You don't ever have to utter the name I gave you or sing the songs we've always sung, or think about our last thirteen years together - start completely anew, if that's what you'd like.

Just don't forget me.

Ella.

I'll never forget you.

I'll never find anyone else that will ever replace you.

I hope you never find anyone else, to replace your dear ol' mum.

Remember me in your dreams, if nothing else. See my face in the stars above your head, and in the back of your mind remember the nights we spent counting shooting stars…wishing on them.

You never knew it, but my wish was always for you. That I'd wake up one morning and you'd actually be my daughter…and I wouldn't have to lie to your face every single day and night...

With all of my heart, you hold every tiny bit of it, Love, Mum.

And since I don't really deserve that - Eleanor Lovett.

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><p><strong>Oh my...is it stupid how I tear up every time I read this? <strong>

**Haha...oh goodness…just review! See you next week!**


	10. To my Angel

**Yes, yes, I'm aware this is a week late. I'll be honest, I was caught up in my Doctor Who fanfictions and I regret not taking care of my Sweeney Todd one! Ugh! Back on track!**

**Here's to my reviewers!**

**Bellatrix Nellie Le-Lovett - Aw! You're review was amazing and I don't find it pathetic at all! I love how you said you were crying at all the parts that I cried at too! Sorry especially for you that I didn't update last week! Here you are!**

**Burma - Thanks! And yeah, that makes tons of sense…both Ellas! I hope you're having better days!**

**Maxine the unknowingly admired - Realistic? Why thank you! **

**On with the story then! **

**Two more chapters in this!**

**Chapter ten**

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><p>Dear Ella…my sweet little baby girl. So young…so innocent…so fragile. Too fragile.<p>

Ella…my love.

Ella…my angel.

I found out a lot of things in only the past few hours or so.

I found that…the truth…well it bloody hurts. Hm…pretty blunt statement, that, unfortunately, is very true. Which I suppose only makes it hurt more…eh?

Anyway…

I awoke…and I found the parlor empty.

And I found that it being so empty was probably one of the most depressing things I've ever seen.

I found that it _is _possible to run out of tears. Or perhaps simply be too exhausted enough to not shed anymore of them. Like your mind isn't working properly and it thinks that what's in front of your eyes is all an illusion. And if you just go over and swoosh your hands over that empty space over the sofa, whatever's seemingly missing will show up suddenly.

But I've also found that sometime your mind makes up these things to make you feel better.

It doesn't always work.

I've found that without the nagging to open up shop every morning _"Come now Mum, get off your lazy bum! You know you have people expecting you today! And you still owe me that new dress!"_ it simply doesn't get done.

And I've found that perhaps Ms. Marie Mooney isn't the only gossip in the world. As I hear the whispers just outside the door, "Where the Mrs. Lovett who owns this dress shop? Not open today? Strangely peculiar" "Saw someone leaving the place early this morning, I did. Hope she's still alive in there" "Has a daughter doesn't she? Wot with her?" "Doesn't matter I suppose. Better be open tomorrow though, I need that dress! If I don't get it, I'll see that no one ever comes here again. "

I've also found that things like that don't sting anymore.

But I've found something more important then all things listed above.

I found that small brown notebook.

Six letters inscribed in the cover.

Cursive.

Youthful and enthusiastic.

_Love Letters To My Unborn Child_

I had simply forgotten about them. They didn't belong to the girl I now had. They were for _you_…not her.

At least I had a little sense to know _that_.

Hm…

I'm holding them now and…I've already read over them…like I used to every night after I lost you and before I had her.

_December 18__th_

What year? It doesn't say…18...1830...little over thirteen years…almost fourteen years ago.

_December 18__th__ Today… I found out you are there._

September 18th 1844, early in the morning, I remembered you were there…

Cause I had forgotten…and I'm sorry for that love, I'm _so _sorry…

_January 7__th__…I told Benjamin._

God how I miss him. Haven't really even been thinking about him…can you believe how I lied to that poor girl? Not only did I tell her she was mine and only ever mine…but I told her _Benjamin _was her father! Ha! I thought if I was going have a perfect life now with the perfect daughter then, hell, I was going to have the perfect husband.

I thought if I really believed it, it would all come true.

I feel awful now…that I would ever dare to try and give the imposter a better life then you would have had.

Is it wrong now? To call her an imposter? We all know she is…perhaps…the welcomed imposter.

The wanted imposter.

The imposter I'd die to have intrude…

_February 14__th__…I question just running away…it'll be all too easy…_

I should have…I should have…who knows if perhaps that one simple thing could have saved you? I often wonder, if anything at all, what could have…

_March 9__th__…Albert says to lace them tighter-so every morning I pull and pull at those corset strings until I can't catch my breath-until you can't be seen anymore._

I remember those days vividly. I could see you. But only I could. No one else was allowed. And Albert didn't want to…he wanted to pretend you weren't there. Now what if I had told her that her father was like that?

Perhaps I would have lied to you too…

_April 10__th__…I'm sorry…I'm sorry…my god…I'm sorry_

The day I killed him.

The day that changed my life…what else can I say?

I miss those days. It's strange but I do.

I had you.

_May 2__nd__ …_I can't even quote this next one…it makes me cry so…I wanted you so badly.

_May 11__th__ 1841 3:01 AM…you were born. _

Oh…what a blissful moment.

Just a single moment.

And then you were gone…

This entry hurts the most…it hits me like a bullet in the chest…like everything I've ever done is wrong and there's nothing I could ever do to make up for any it…

_June 10__th__…I'll never forget you, my love. I'll never forget how happy you made me…and how much joy you brought me in the nine months that we had each other._

But I did! God, I did Ella and I hate myself for it!

Sitting in that bloody hot pie shop day after day, lonely and empty and bitter, I didn't think I could ever sink any lower! I didn't think anything would ever make me feel as dreadful and revolting and…horrid… as I was feeling without you.

But here I am now…

And I'm not only without you now but I've _deceived _you. I welcomed her in and _replaced _you. And I forgot about you and everything you were she became. Every good thing…I just let her become and then there wasn't you anymore.

She replaced you.

_I _replaced you.

She walked in and took your place and I was so blinded by that pink bundle that I forgot that it was _you _I wanted to be in that pink bundle! And I wanted that so badly that she did become you in that pink bundle…

And…I can't exactly explain because I can't think straight anymore.

I…I suppose I've never been one for thinking straight but…I've cried so much it's burnt me out.

I'm sorry Ella.

Ella Elizabeth Lovett.

Whose name I stole and left you nameless and faceless.

Well I'm giving it back.

Or…struggling to…at least.

You're the only person I have to cry out to anymore…

I'm so lonely…

This place holds the haunting memories that London once held.

I don't wish to forget what happened to you anymore. I wish to embrace it because it's reality and I fear if I don't take every dose of reality I can get I'll go barking mad.

Perhaps I already am.

Perhaps it's too late.

But this…by the sea? Down by the sea, the beautiful sea. It's all an illusion. I wish I could stay here, but living in an illusion all by your lonesome is certainly and impossibly a painful thing.

Perhaps I'll come back when I have someone else special to share it with.

Someone real…someone who wants me and someone I don't have to steal for the love.

Till then…it's back to London with me…perhaps for the rest of my lonesome, miserable, pointless life.

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><p><strong>I really love you guys who are still reviewing! Keep it up! :)<strong>

**Next chapter is a transition...into Ella's Point of View**


	11. Dear Mum

**Ah, my wonderful readers!**

**Bellatrix Nellie Le-Lovett - Glad you're so excited! And yes! You should start watching Doctor Who! If you need a good episodes or something specific that you'd like, message me! But don't worry, writing Doctor Who hasn't stopped me from writing Sweeney Todd!**

**Sheila Chiaroscura - Thanks for reviewing so much! Glad you caught up and hope you like this chapter!**

**Maxine The Unknowingly Admired - Don't worry! I sure want to hug Mrs. Lovett too!**

**Burma - Haha, everyone keeps saying how sad they feel for Mrs. Lovett! Makes me almost feel bad that I wrote her life so screwed up :p But, then again, she does have to become that crazy lonely person who will cook people into pies for a little love. XD**

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><p>Dear Mum<p>

I know your address…of course I do…

It was my address for thirteen years.

So I've decided to write a letter in response to all the letters you wrote to me and left on the table for me to pick up. And I've read them all. And now it's far into the night again. Perhaps exactly twenty four hours since you told me.

But, here I sit in a dark, cold alley and…ha…the ground is wet and my bum is wet because I'm sitting on it and it's cold and I shiver but…

Ellie's gone somewhere…I hope she comes back because she's the only one I have now…since _you…_

* * *

><p>Dear Mum<p>

I decided to write you a letter.

Or….attempt, at least. Because you wrote all these brilliant letters to me and I feel that if I don't respond then I'm simple a horrible person and a great big lightning bolt will come and strike me or something because…cause you loved me so much and as much as I _hate_ yo…

* * *

><p>Dear Mum<p>

What you did to me was a horrible thing and you know it. Taking me from my family when I was too young to know anything about it is _cruel _and _unusual! _And you never should have done it and I _hate _you for it!…

* * *

><p>Dear Mum<p>

I want to write to you.

Just to say thank you.

And try to keep away from this pain in my chest because you hurt me so badly. Like a bullet would hurt, I supp…

* * *

><p>Dear Mum<p>

I've been trying to write a letter to you for hours.

And I just can't seem to get it right.

So…I'm just going to write everything that comes to mind now, I'm just going to let it flow onto the paper.

Mum, there's this awful, fiery, dreadful, burning in my chest and in my throat. And my fingers twitch as I write this because I don't want to write this because I hate you ever so much…I don't want to write anything to you…but I feel like I have to!

I feel like I have to because you wrote all these letters and you told me how much you loved me and how much time you spent on me and how much you just…wanted me.

Because you had nothing…and you just wanted me!

You got me to cry more, happy?

It doesn't…it doesn't sound immoral…but goodness Mum…it is…

I can't even fathom it. How you ever thought this was right…to just take me from my family.

Well!

Here I sit in this empty dark alley now and it's cold and it's wet and I don't know where Ellie's gone to and…all I have is this paper and pen! And you know what? I had to _steal _them! I stole them from this stationary shop in…in…I don't even know what town I'm in. But I took them! You're right! It's all too easy! And I feel _horrible _about it! And all it was was a couple things…worth only a few pennies…was it this easy to steal a person's whole life? Did you even feel an _ounce _of the regret I feel for stealing these little things when you stole me?

I don't even know what town I'm in. I just…walked all day. And I've been walking blindly because I've been reading these letters you left me over and over and over again…trying to understand you…because… you're not the person you have been for the past thirteen years anymore…you've changed in my view. I'm struggling to get a grip on who you actually are and what you actually want…instead of this person who you've been lying and pretending to be for all these years.

I don't know where I am.

I may ask someone…I just want to try and get to London, honestly.

You always said you loved the sea…so I'm guessing you'll be staying there. But I'm going to London.

Because I…need to find my family!

And that's why I left.

I've got to find them!

And I'm sorry I left! I feel so dreadful for it! I feel like I should just lie down here and die! Truly I do!

I can't even decide who I hate more! You or myself! !

Because I shouldn't have left you all alone! I don't know what you'll do now…you loved me so much…and I'm sorry…

I don't know why the _hell _I'm apologizing but I'm sorry!…

* * *

><p>Dear Mum<p>

I'll always miss wishing on stars with you and making little castles in the sand! And I'll always miss you're embrace every night when I had woken from a night terror and you just would hold me…and here I am cold and wet and I simply want you to come and hug me! And I just want to feel your warmth and I want you to tell me that this is all a dream! But I'll never be warm…I'll always be cold now. And you're not here to hug me and you're not here to tell me it's all a dream and it's not all a dream!

It's horrible…pure…reality.

And it makes me wish I was never born.

Never even born in the first place…NEVERTHELESS STOLEN BY YOU! !…

* * *

><p>Dear Mum<p>

I'm laying down in the cold dark wet alley now…cause I've been trying to write a letter to you all night…since the sun had gone down…and now it's coming up.

And every letter I've written so far has just ended in me crying!

Either because I'm mad. Or I feel sorry for you or for myself.

And I'm surprised the pain in my chest hasn't killed me yet…

What else can I say?

Why am I even writing to you? I don't even know!

I say I feel I'm obligated to…that I have to or something horrible will happen.

But what _good _can happen anymore? I just don't know…

* * *

><p>Dear Mum<p>

I know your address…of course I do…

It was my address for thirteen years.

But…I'm not going to send anything to you.

I can't.

I don't want you to remember me the way I am now…sitting in the alley and cold and wet and bitter…with my auburn hair you loved so much in a tangled, dirty mess…and my beautiful mystery blue eyes so wet and blood shot.

I want you to remember me like you saw my lying on that sofa last night. So peaceful…like I was pretending nothing happened… because honestly I was.

But I can't anymore.

That's why I'm not going to send you any of these letters.

Plus…if it did…it would have to start with "Dear Mum"

It has to be addressed to someone…and I don't…want you anymore…I don't want to call you mum…

…

So…

Remember me as your sweet little baby lying on the sofa, simply trusting you.

Remember me like that.

I want you to.

I wish I could say I love you.

I wish I could write in pretty cursive at the end of this _Love Ella _

Unfortunately… I can't find it in my heart to love anymore.

And…I'm nameless now.

I'm the nameless little girl…huddled in the dark streets…so vulnerable.

You've put me in the exact spot where you never wanted me to be…

It begins to rain now…

I'm just going to leave these letters here.

I'm going to let the water make all of the words and letters bleed away.

Like a sacrifice.

I don't need you anymore…

I don't need anything…especially you…anymore…

* * *

><p><strong>I've always wanted to write a story in this format ever since I read the short story "Dear Bill, remember me?" It's a really nice way to show someone's frustration. So if you happen to really like this format for some reason, check out that book!<strong>

**And this concludes part three! Somehow, I still have two other parts (both shorter) written out!**

**Next story will be coming out next week, like always, and is called Love Letters to the Faceless and Nameless. It takes place three years in the future, and all of the letters are in Ella's POV this time. **

**Don't worry though, there will still be plenty of Mrs. Lovett. And now we can add Sweeney and Toby to the mess! **

**Enough of a cliffy for you? See you next week!**


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